It is common for parents to believe that their children owe them something in the future for parenting them. However, this belief is harmful and emotionally immature. Parents who hold this belief often use it as a way to control their children’s lives and make them feel guilty for not fulfilling their expectations. This behavior is narcissistic and can lead to intergenerational trauma which is hidden in our culture and looks normal.

Psychologically, this behavior can harm adult children in several ways. It can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and obligation. Children who feel that they owe their parents something may feel trapped and unable to live their lives on their own terms. They may also feel resentful towards their parents for not allowing them to be independent.

Moreover, this behavior can also lead to a lack of trust between parents and children. When parents use guilt and obligation as a way to control their children, it can create a power dynamic that is difficult to overcome. Children may feel that they cannot trust their parents because they are always trying to manipulate them.

Parents can use guilt as a way to control their children’s behavior. For example, a parent might say something like “I’m so disappointed in you” or “You’re breaking my heart” when their child does something that they don’t approve of. This can make the child feel guilty and ashamed, and they may be more likely to comply with their parent’s wishes in the future. Other examples of guilt-tripping behavior include blaming the child for the parent’s problems, emotions, bringing up past mistakes, and reminding the child of what they have done for them.

By making our children feel like they owe us, is simply teaching them that love is a transaction, an investment and there is not such thing as Unconditional Love. The child needs to perform the role parents expect of them in order to be loved.

In healthy parenting, children should feel that we love them for who they are and not what they do. That they are loved unconditionally no matter what.

If the parents love and maintain their emotional connection and support, their children as adults, will care for their parents out of love and not obligation.

All adults need to be responsible for their own lives instead of using their adult children as an investment or life insurance.

Simply put, the expectation that child owes something is very wrong and immature. The child is a person and shouldn’t need to perform and play a role that the parents want them to play.

I have heard a lot of toxic phrases like:

I have children so they will take care of me when I am old.

Or, I have a child, so I have someone to keep me company.

I think about having a second child so that my other child will not be bored and I will have more time for myself …The older sibling will take care of the younger child.

Or, if my child will not do what I want I will disown him or not help them.

Some people don’t want a child because they want to give love, attention, and care; rather to fit their expectations/roles or dreams.

Manipulation, parentification, or living out a parent’s missed dreams seriously hurts a child and seriously effects their mental health in adulthood.

Parentification is sometimes known as «growing up too fast.» It typically occurs when a youngster assumes parental duty for their siblings or even their parents. Physically, intellectually, or emotionally caring for a sibling or parent. This can harm a child’s mental health and lead to long-term mental health issues like depression and anxiety.

Subconsciously people feel that they need to do acts of service to be loved. They feel that they are not enough or loved for who they are.

These behaviors can create a power dynamic that is difficult to overcome and can lead to feelings of resentment and mistrust between parents and children.

In conclusion, parents who believe that their children owe them something in the future for parenting them are emotionally immature and harmful. This behavior can lead to psychological harm for adult children and can create intergenerational trauma that is hidden in the culture seems normal above the surface. It is important for parents to recognize that parenting is a responsibility that they chose to take on, and it is not something that their children owe them.

ℚ𝕦𝕠𝕥𝕖
“Adults who make a choice to have children are not owed anything from them. Children aren’t vehicles for parents to get their own needs met. Emotionally healthy parents don’t seek paybacks.”
~The Holistic Psychologist

𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚒𝚌? 𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚖𝚎 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜.

𝙻𝚎𝚗𝚊 𝙺𝚛𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚝𝚜
𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚙 𝚏𝚛𝚘 𝚂𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚑 𝙲𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚏𝚏𝚘𝚝

𝒃𝒚 𝑲𝒏𝒐𝒘𝒍𝒆𝒅𝒈𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝑷𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒓